This Is Awkward

In everyone’s life there are moments one will never forget, whose every detail is burned into one’s memory. Those are what I write about here. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just weird and awkward.

Starting in High School and going into my mid-twenties, my best friend, Ken, and I would get together every Saturday morning and spend the entire day around Metro Phoenix. This particular day we were at Arrowhead Towne center, specifically in a normal hang out, Spencer’s Gifts (a store I haven’t been in for a number of years).

I was looking at the KISS items when this young, teenage looking girl came up to me.

She was tiny, cute with bleached white hair. There was a tall but thin, waifish guy with her. What followed is a This is a True story I call

THIS IS AWKWARD

“Can I feel your chest?” she asked, flooring me with that question.

Before I could answer, her hand was on my chest, squeezing my right pec muscle. I was/am in excellent shape.

As she squeezed my pec, she turned to the guy, said, “This is what a chest is supposed to be like.”

“How old are you?” I asked, no idea what the fuck was going on.

“Sixteen.”

I quickly excused myself from this situation and left Spencer’s. My friend followed a few minutes later. I wanted to get out of there before someone accused me of something. I didn’t know if her parents or someone was around. And I didn’t want someone thinking I was being inappropriate with an underage girl.

I had no idea what that was about, but have never forgot it.

Ace Masters.

A COOL SAN DIEGO MOMENT

This is a story that could be posted to my Burning Mind blog as it is comic book related. However it is also a true story.

For a while, starting in 1998, I went to the big one, the San Diego Comic Con, for a number of years. Very few moments at San Diego or any other con I have been too matched an experience I had during my first trip in ’98.

This is a True story about A COOL SAN DIEGO MOMENT.

I initially went with the intentions of making contacts and hopefully some in roads to breaking into the industry. Of course I also brought some books with me I wanted to get signed and had a list of some people I wanted to meet.

I don’t remember if I had the time mixed up, or there was a misprint in the program. On Friday I attended a two hour seminar on writing for comics, which went from 12 to 2. After the seminar, I went back down to the main hall for the scheduled Roy Thomas signed from 2 to 3.

I was disappointed to find Mister Thomas packing up and that the signing was 1 to 2!
Somehow I ended up talking to Roy while he was putting stuff away, told him why I missed the signing. He took out a pen, asked to see what book I had, and graciously signed my copy of Power of Warlock #1. That however was not the cool moment.

I thanked him, and asked if he needed help. He didn’t, but was grateful for the offer.

It didn’t take him long to pack up, and we talked for a few moments.

He then surprised me when he said he was going to grab some lunch from the convention center café if I wanted to talk. For about a half hour or so, I had lunch and hung out with Roy Thomas. We talked comics and writing, but I never once asked for help to break in. Many people think I should have, but all good.

He told me that one of the reason he talked to me, was because he could tell how serious I was about comics, and I discussed them as an art form. I wasn’t just a fan boy who thought it was cool to be into comics.

That is still the best moment I have had at any convention, having lunch and talking comics with one of my favorite writers.

Ace Masters

Uh . . . where?

Have you ever asked someone for directions, and they just don’t seem to want to give them to you?

Isn’t that annoying? Last year a friend of my mom’s told me about a new Chinese restaurant, but not much else.

This is a True Story that actually inspired an episode of my web series Breakin’ the News that I call

Uh . . . where?

This lady friend of my mom ranted and raved about a new Chinese restaurant that opened near where she lived. “It is great,” she keep saying.

I was seeing a girl at the time and figured it might be a nice place for dinner, she loved Chinese. I asked the woman where it was . . . she paused talking and looked at me weird.

I swear she answered, “It’s where the new restaurant is.”

I asked a more few times. So did my mom. The only answer she would give is that it was where it was. She repeated, “It’s where the new restaurant is,” a number of times.

She also didn’t know the name of the place.

I gave up and left my mom and her to their visit. Later I found out my mom was frustrated with her, as she kept on about the restaurant, but never where it was, only that it was where the new restaurant was.

I always thought this woman was nuts, this proved it.

I never did find out where the restaurant was . . . or if it even existed.

Ace Masters

Out of the Mouths of Adults

Does anyone remember the film Piranha 3D? The remake of the Corman produced Piranha.

It doesn’t really matter if you do or not. This movie has a special place in my life as it was a big break for me. I was actually on set for two days, covering the making of the film for Fangoria. I wrapped up this gig with two articles for Fangoria, the second one being a cover piece.

But that is not what this story is about . . . On set and in film was a porn star (I won’t mention her name) who played a girls gone wild type role. She was also the only cast member there those two days who wouldn’t do interviews.

This is a True Story I call

Out of the Mouths of Adults.

Late on the first day of filming I was invited up to Video Alley, where the director watches screens of all the action being shot. They were shooting an underwater scene with The Porn Star. She was supposed to swim underwater and act like Piranha’s were coming out of her mouth. Yes, out of her mouth.

When I asked Alexandre Aja, the director, how they got into her body to come out of her mouth, he just smiled. No answer.

She had to wear a bikini for this scene, and she asked for a closed set. No one but she and the camera would be in that section of the large tank they were filming in. I wasn’t the only one who found it odd that a Porn Star who is normally naked and doing sex acts on camera wanted a closed set.

Every other actress there, including Kelly Brook, was walking around in bikinis and filming with no problems.

I thought she might just be nervous. I kept any thoughts or comments to myself. Professional that I am.

Others didn’t. Some of the crew, made comments about how it was odd she asked for a closed set, for being a porn star.

She did the scene a few times before Aja had the take he liked. Once over, one guy next to me let a massive quip out.

“I bet that is the first time anything every came out of her mouth,” he said. Everyone laughed.

I chuckled myself, honesty.

Later, I watched her, a robed tightly wrapped around her, slink off to her trailer. She didn’t look happy.

I wondered, how many people made crude remarks behind her back about her because she was a porn star? I know there were some. I wonder how many she heard?

Ace Masters.

DRUGS

This is another true story that involves my aneurysm in a way. It takes place a couple of month after it happened, when I returned to work with my Mom.

When I am not writing or working on projects, trying to build my career, I work with my Mom. We have private clientele in the Sun City areas in Metro Phoenix, Arizona. Around March or April of 2014, we went to meet a potential new client at her home.

Were we there for about twenty minutes, she told us all about herself, her travels and even personal issues that should be left private. One of those included a strain relationship with a son who is a former cocaine and heroin. A son she told us she cut off because of his addiction.

This point is important to what happened when my mom mentioned my aneurysm in a This is a True Story I call

DRUGS

After talking about her son, this lady mention some medical issue she had, a stroke or something. For some reason my Mom mentioned my aneurysm, this lady jumped.
She looked right at me and said, “That’s what you get for doing drugs.”

“I don’t do drugs,” I told her, not politely either.

She didn’t believe me. She insisted that I had to do drugs, no one as young as me could have an aneurysm unless they were doing something. Then she dropped this, “you just looked like a druggie.”

Once again, I insisted that I have never done drugs, and never will. Which is the truth, I never had. Mom even jumped in and told her that it is a genetic condition among males in her family, which it is.

She voiced that we were delusional, it was drugs and she knew it. She could tell, she dealt with it from her son long enough.

Needless to say, we left. She wanted to hire us, but I refused to go. I wasn’t going to put up with her on a regular basis.

Some of our clients know her and tried to defend her, all using senile as an excuse. The problem is, she wasn’t senile, just a bitch. That comes straight from her mouth.
She told us early on in the meeting, “I’m picky and I can be the biggest bitch you will ever meet.”

Ace Masters

This is a True Story . . . NO KISSING

Alright, here is another true story as I get caught up on my blog posts that I am behind on!

This story is a little more personal than many I have written, and I may not cover this subject again.

They say men really don’t understand women. That may be true, but not for the reasons many may suspect. Personally, it is because some woman are just off their rocker.

I am not a womanizer, or playboy. I don’t pick up on every woman I meet and general don’t do one-night-stands. That doesn’t mean I haven’t sowed a few wild oats in my day, even if some people still think I am pure ( ha ha ha).

When I was managing a Self-Storage facility, and lived on site, I had a brief fling with a girl who worked the used bookstore next door. I cut the fling short one night, because I was totally confused when she wanted intimacy, but didn’t at the same time.

This is a True Story I call

NO KISSING

I used to go into the used book store next to the Facility to trade and sell books and look for gaps in my collection. I took a shot and asked out the one clerk I liked. We had dinner at my apartment that night, right after her store closed.

I closed shop at 5, and cooked dinner. She closed the store at 8 and came over. Dinner, movie, good conversation and all seemed well. We had dinner a few times at my place . . . when things elevated. She made the first move and want to ‘get some.’ (Her words.)

She led me to the bedroom. I went to kiss her. She stopped me. She wanted sex, but said I couldn’t kiss her. Kissing would make it to intimate.

That threw me for a loop. I still find it confusing to this day. Intercourse is okay, but kissing isn’t? Kissing makes it to intimate? How is sex not intimate? What good is sex if you can’t kiss?

I sorts lost the mood at that point and wasn’t interested. She wanted sex, but not intimacy. She ended up leaving in a bit of a huff.

I know many guys would have still went for it, but I am not many guys.

Still how is Kissing more intimate than Sex?

Geez.

Ace Masters

This is a True Story: Screwing up . . . Single Style

I am not a religious person, but I don’t care if someone is. I don’t preach or knock anyone’s belief. I respect others right to believe, and expect the same. Unfortunately I don’t always get that same respect back.

Often I find people personal beliefs thrown into my face and forced upon me. More often than not religious beliefs, or what they claim are religious.

This was a case last year with one of my clients, in a This is True Story I call

Screwing up . . . Single Style

I have a number of senior citizens as client for my ‘real’ job. This particular client can be a handful. Everyone that knows her, thinks she is awesome. Boy, are they wrong.
For some reason they all tell me that she speak highly of me, to them. Something I have a problem with, for she has only treated me in the times I have worked for her with nothing but contempt.

She wears her so-called religious beliefs on her sleeve, making sure everyone knows what she believes in and telling them how wrong they are in everything in life.

Low-and-behold they day she found out I am single. You would think that not being married was a sin against god and life itself. She literally went off and started demanding to know why I wasn’t married. I told her the truth, I haven’t meet the right person, and I have no plans on getting married.

She hit with a massive slur, “Only sissy faggots aren’t married.” Yeah, she said that.

“I’m not gay,” I told her.

“No,” she responded, “You’re worse. You need to find a woman and get married.”

I ignored her, but that didn’t matter.

Then, she went religious, “You’re fucking up God’s plan. He has plans for you and you’re fucking them up by being single.”

This continue for the rest of the time I was there. Apparently she speaks for God, and knows what his plans are for me. She quoted numerous biblical passages, and continued in a religious tirade of why I HAD to be married.

I finished up my work, and as I was leaving she told me she was going to make it her personal mission to get me married, ASAP. That why I would be back on God’s plan.
“I don’t plan on getting married I told her.”

“Then you’re going to hell,” she said.

True Story.

I’ve got your back . . . wink, wink.

*NOTE
I've gotten behind on this blog, starting today I will post daily thru Thursday, the day of my next weekly scheduled piece.*

For those who don’t know, I am a huge wrestling fan. In fact, last year I had tickets to the WWE show at Us Airways in downtown Phoenix on Valentine’s day. I didn’t attend the show because I was only released from the hospital two days before. I could have gone, and perhaps would have been fine, but considering I was recovering from a brain aneurysm and major surgery, I choose not to and gave my tickets to a friend.

The noise level at the shows is what concerned me about going.

Months later, in August, the WWE was back in town for a Smackdown taping. I did go to this one, along with my best friend, Dave Parrish.

It was a moment at this event that this True Story is about, I call it:
I’ve got your back . . . wink, wink.

We had a great time, and I had no lingering effects from the aneurysm, though I was concerned about the noise level bothering me. It didn’t.

We were a little disappointed when the event started with Curtis Axel, neither of us are big fans. However, he went on to have the best match we have seen from him against Sheamus. It was a few matches later that we experience an unforgettable moment.

Randy Orton came out for his match. I don’t remember who he was facing, but that is not important here. Also, keep in mind that Randy is the bad guy.

We were ringside, sitting two rows back from the corner Randy climbed up to show off to the fans. We are both fans of Orton, but keeping in the spirit of Pro Wrestling and Randy being the Heel, Dave gave him hell . . . and Randy attacked like viper.

His music stopped, Randy suddenly stop his usually theatrics, turn and stared at the two of us. He started mouthing off and pointed at us.

Being the friend that I am, I made sure I had Dave’s back . . . by selling him out.

I stood up, shouted at Randy, “It was him, It was him,” while pointing at Dave.

Much to my surprise, as I was just goofing around, Randy actually answered me. He pointed at Dave, and said “Him? Yeah, I know.” A few ‘Heel’ threats were thrown in for good measure. At least once during the match, Randy glared over at Dave.

After he won the match, Randy showboated in the corner again, and had some choice words for Dave.

Dave never backed down, and keep the heat on Orton.

In all the time I have gone to WWE events, many with Dave, and all the times we both have given wrestlers hell, that was the first time any one of them actually acknowledge us.

For Dave it is a damn badge of honor.

It was a great time to boot.

Ace Masters